Injuries, Weed, and God
As I've told you guys, I'm writing a book. It will be an intimate conversation about my life, and possibly the realest, most straight-forward picture of life and sports you've ever read. Here's an excerpt that takes place right after I tore my achilles, and right before my fourth year in the WNBA. Let me know what you think. “Hey Royce. It’s Chantelle. I need some weed.” It was the first non-business related call I had made since arriving in San Antonio two days before. Royce was one of those guys that I had kind of liked when I first got to San An, until I figured out he was just trying to hit. These days we were cool, and I knew I could call him for info. on the club scene or, as in this case, to get high. And that’s exactly what I needed: something to take me somewhere else for a moment, away from this enigma that was my life. A Harry Potter movie just wasn’t gonna cut it this time. So I made the call, and five minutes later I was crutching out of my house, on the way to meet him and his cousin Sherman at their apartment. The last time I had smoked was at a party in Sac almost three years before. Shortly afterwards, on our next road trip to Phoenix, the league had surprised us with a drug test as soon as we got to the gym for practice. I immediately began to visualize the meeting with my coach telling me I was off the team for violating the league’s anti-drug policy, and the subsequent phone call to my Dad as I informed him I no longer had a job. I had been so scared I was going to fail that I offered up a prayer in which I traded a clean test for a promise to God that I would never smoke again. Well, I passed, and I hadn’t smoked since. In my current situation however, I figured God would understand. They made fun of me for coughing the first few times. And it hurt when I burned my throat. You know, when you can’t hold it in and so you can’t help but cough it out? But once I got the hang of it, I allowed myself to inhale deeply, and drift away, one “puff puff give” at a time. As my eyes narrowed and my smile came a little easier, my mind relaxed and I allowed myself to become entranced by the smoke, pretending that my worries disappeared into the air along with it. Soon, it was like the current state of my life was one long hallucination, and that when I came back, things would be as they should again. It felt good to believe that, if only for a couple hours. While Royce was rolling the second one, I allowed my gaze to wander around the room. Almost immediately I noticed a gun sitting on the opposite corner of the coffee table in such an obvious location it made me wonder how I hadn’t seen it there before. Sherman saw me looking at it and asked if I had ever seen a gun in real life before. I said “No”. He picked it up and held it out to me, and I took it. I examined it, tenderly caressing the matte black steel that was kind of pretty in a macabre sort of way. Then I pressed it against my temple; it was cold. Cold and unfeeling. I pressed harder. Holding it made me feel strong. For that moment I had control over something again. Even if I chose not to exercise that control, I still had the power to do so. In looking back I realize that the real strength was my ability to put down the gun, unused, and face my life, ruins and all. Still, it’s amazing how seductive control can be, especially considering the disarray of my world at the time; the gun didn’t leave my hand until I went home. I made it back to my house a little while later and was once again alone with my thoughts. And I sat there, on my couch and still high, thinking about everything I got high to forget: How close I had been, how far I now had to go, how I had lost her almost as quickly as I had just lost my career, how I didn’t know if I could continue to tell myself “next season it’ll happen”… I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to feel. I went to the freezer and stood in the middle of the kitchen as I downed half a bottles worth of vodka shots. Then, like that cold gust of wind when you first step out of the front door in January, it hit me, and I started to cry; that agonizingly silent cry purging itself from so deep down in my soul that the sound got lost on the way up. In fact the only evidence I was actually crying were the tears that found themselves dripping off the edge of my jaw, and the somewhat irregular breathing as I embraced myself and curled up on the living room floor. I don’t know how long I laid there, but the last thing I remember before passing out was pleading with God, “Lord, please help me.”
- TAGGED:
- basketball
- WNBA
- Chantelle Anderson
DICooper said October 14, 2009
idolovegolf said October 14, 2009
scottkitchens said October 14, 2009
scottkitchens replied October 14, 2009
petrel said October 14, 2009
Yuri28 said October 14, 2009
kellyfisher65 said October 14, 2009
CDashMoney said October 14, 2009
thicktail said October 14, 2009
mklitt said October 14, 2009
Keep going gal! We are listening and we love you!
i will def keep writing. i'm really enjoying this process.
mklitt said October 14, 2009
Keep going gal! We are listening and we love you!
writergrl said October 14, 2009
1way2play said October 14, 2009
KevinNTenn said October 14, 2009
pilight said October 14, 2009
Wheelman said October 15, 2009
jstanleymn said October 15, 2009
speedwell said October 15, 2009
rule number one for handling guns is always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction. that means you don't point at stuff that you don't intend on shooting -- loaded or not. you seem like a smarter person than that, but if you're going to play around then you need to learn more about what you're putting in your hands.
also, I hope you are using pseudonyms for your druggy buddies. otherwise the authorities might come-a-knockin'. guns + drugs = jail.
yes, the gun was loaded and i know it was stupid. but i was not thinking clearly, obviously, and it shows just how low i really was at that point. of course in my right state of mind i would never smoke weed and then point a loaded weapon at my head.
speedwell replied October 16, 2009
LILLEX11 said October 15, 2009
Blackfeet said October 16, 2009
I do own a gun, a smith and wesson, it's loaded with hollow point bullets, I've never held it to me head tho, but I'll use it anyone tries anything on my family.
rjmccowan said October 16, 2009
I enjoyed it AND the responses. The book will no doubt capture a lot of interest.
and thank you. this is not a book for the squeamish, but will prove we can all get through anything with the right help.
rjmccowan said October 18, 2009
and as family, don't worry, i won't. =)
resa32 said October 20, 2009
jenn1979 said 13 days ago
Hawkinsjo said 13 days ago
Jmae
just because your daughter sabotaged her future does not mean that's what i did to mine. i overcame many obstacles to become a 3-time college all-american and spend 5 years in the WNBA. i no longer play in the league because of injuries, not drugs. how about you holla at me after you read my book and tell me how disappointed you are in me then, if you still feel that way. i doubt you will. God bless you too.
Hawkinsjo said 12 days ago
Jmae
Hawkinsjo said 12 days ago
Jmae
toyapbl said 9 days ago
I just read the little excerpt from your biography and I just want to applaud you for overcoming those situations and sharing your story with others. You never know who that biography might help. I myself have never smoked anything before, but we all go through things and we all deal with them in different ways, so while I don't condone smoking weed or playing around with guns, you were obviously at low point in your life at the time and you weren't yourself. What really got to me however, was the last part when you cried out to the Lord to help you before you went to sleep. When we are going through things and we don't know what to do, the only thing we can do is call on God. Anyways, i'm not trying to preach on here, lol., but i just wanted to say this to you because your story is an inspiration. Like Donnie McClurkin said in his song "We Fall Down, But we get up" and obviously that is what you did. Hooray for Chantelle!!!!! Lol! I'm sorry, i am just crazy like that, lol!!